Day 27: Sex and Movies

Conan
Vladimir Putin has signed a new law banning the f-word from movies. So now the Russian version of Wolf of Wall Street is 8 seconds long.

This weekend Spider-Man 2 earned $92 million at the box office. That makes it the fourth most successful Spider-Man 2.

A porn website recently said it would plant a tree for every 100 videos watched. A spokesperson for the website said, “The more wood, the better.”

According to a report, Chase Bank is shutting down hundreds of bank accounts belonging to porn stars. The CEO of Chase Bank said they’d rather not handle their deposits.

Day 9: Ukraine, China, and Korea

Conan
In a recent survey, 84% of Americans were unable to locate Ukraine on a map. When he heard this, Vladimir Putin said, “That’s easy, it’s in Russia now.”

According to a new report, China now watches more porn than the U.S. Finally, China is consuming something that is made in our country.

Late Night with Seth Meyers
North Korea introduced its first state-funded smartphone known as the Pyongyang Touch; which I believe is also something you can order at a massage parlor in Brooklyn.

Day 6: Putin and Texas Jokes

Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
Putin pick-up lines:
Do your legs hurt? Because you’ve been running from my military all night.
Is your father a baker? Because I would wait in breadline for three days for you.
Are you an angel? Because I thought I had killed you months ago.

Late Night with Seth Meyers
The Kremlin announced that Vladimir Putin and his wife have officially divorced. Over their 30 year marriage, the couple shared two daughters, several homes, and one laugh.

A global sex survey found that 86% of left-handed people reported that they were extremely satisfied with their sex lives, as opposed to 15% of right-handed people. I guess because it feels like somebody else is doing it.

Conan
One of my favorite Texas sayings is “All Hat No Cattle.” Which is awkward because that’s also my porn name.

Dallas is known for its strip clubs so last night I visited one. It was great. I got to meet all the Dallas Cowboys in person.