Day 8: NCAA and Political Social Media

Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
Congrats to the UConn Huskies on beating Kentucky to win the NCAA championship. Dozens of UConn students were arrested after they smashed windows and broke street lights while celebrating their team’s win. People in Connecticut haven’t gotten that rowdy since J. Crew had a sale on pocket squares.

Late Night with Seth Meyers
Today more than 100 advocates came to Washington to lobby for the legalization of marijuana for medicinal purposes. While another 10,000 marijuana advocates thought it was next Tuesday.

Conan
The Obama White House may soon ban the taking of selfies with the president. When he heard this, Bill Clinton said he remembered when selfies with the president had a whole different meaning.

It’s true, the White House may ban people from taking selfies with the president. Not only that, the White House now has photobomb-sniffing dogs.

Day 7: Celebrities and Rob Ford

Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
Rob Ford was the only member of Toronto’s City Council to vote no on a measure to congratulate Canada’s winter Olympians. He said if someone should be rewarded for not falling on his face, it should be him.

Ford also voted against naming a street after Nelson Mandela, but he claims he simply hit the wrong button. The people who voted for Rob Ford said, “Been there.”

Late Night with Seth Meyers
Former president George W. Bush unveiled 24 portraits he’s painted of world leaders. And if the Today Show likes them, they’ll put it up on their refrigerator.

Kathie Lee Gifford has been asked to stop advertising her new wine on the Today Show. Though I think Kathie Lee is less of an advertisement for wine and more of a PSA.

The Spice Girls are considering touring without Victoria Beckham, who earlier this year said she no longer wanted to perform with the group. I wish she would just tell us what she wants. What she really, really wants.

Day 6: Putin and Texas Jokes

Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
Putin pick-up lines:
Do your legs hurt? Because you’ve been running from my military all night.
Is your father a baker? Because I would wait in breadline for three days for you.
Are you an angel? Because I thought I had killed you months ago.

Late Night with Seth Meyers
The Kremlin announced that Vladimir Putin and his wife have officially divorced. Over their 30 year marriage, the couple shared two daughters, several homes, and one laugh.

A global sex survey found that 86% of left-handed people reported that they were extremely satisfied with their sex lives, as opposed to 15% of right-handed people. I guess because it feels like somebody else is doing it.

Conan
One of my favorite Texas sayings is “All Hat No Cattle.” Which is awkward because that’s also my porn name.

Dallas is known for its strip clubs so last night I visited one. It was great. I got to meet all the Dallas Cowboys in person.

Never Too Late for Burbank

New York took The Tonight Show┬áso what about Burbank taking the Late Show? In a sign that SoCal’s entertainment industry is a priority of Mayor Eric Garcetti’s administration, he asked CBS Chief Executive Leslie Moonves to consider moving the Late Show to Los Angeles.

Read the full article in the Los Angeles Times.

Day 3: Variety Pack of Jokes

Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
[March 31] was the big deadline for Obamacare. If you still haven’t enrolled you might have to pay a penalty called the Individual Shared Responsibility Payment, which is 1% of your salary. Then Americans said, “Man, good thing I don’t have a job.”

Late Show with David Letterman
Anyone seen Noah? It’s a blockbuster. A lot of people say it’s not accurate, especially the part where the ark hits the iceberg.

Late Night with Seth Meyers
Tiger Woods announced he won’t play in the Masters because he is recovering from back surgery. His doctors have told him to avoid swinging, and also golf.

Day 1: Ikea and CEO Jokes

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
On Friday night a 5.1 magnitude earthquake and a bunch of its friends hit La Habra, which is about 25 miles south of us here in Hollywood. Earthquakes are God’s reminder that you shouldn’t be sleeping in a bed from Ikea.

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
Time Warner announced that their CEO will resign at the end of the year. They say they would have done it sooner, but that was the earliest they could get a technician to come out and install a replacement.

Jeff Bezos, the CEO of Amazon.com, bought the Washington Post for $250 million. Yeah, it was weird — he just walked into the Post’s headquarters and said, “Add to cart.”