Conan
The number one female middleweight boxer in America is also an IHOP waitress. And the number one heavyweight in America is an IHOP customer.
Starbucks has just launched a home-delivery service. It’s perfect for anyone too lazy to walk one block in any direction.
Conan
Starbucks has introduced a new coffee from Australia called the Flat White. It’s the first ever coffee drink to be named after my ass.
One of the latest trends is “Starbucks Weddings.” That’s the new trend that occurs when the Starbucks line is so long you actually have time to meet someone, fall in love, and marry while you’re there.
Late Night with Seth Meyers
Starbucks has confirmed that saxophone star Kenny G. helped create the Frappuccinos. And that, by the way, was voted the world’s whitest sentence ever uttered.
That’s right, Kenny G. helped to create the Frappuccinos while pop singer Ariana Grande was named after one.
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
Starbucks announced it’s coming out with a new Chestnut Praline Latte. It sounds less like a drink and more like a stripper giving her full name.
Late Night with Seth Meyers
Ikea says it wants to come out with a new line of furniture that could be assembled without any tools in less than five minutes. It’s what other stores call furniture.
Conan
A man walked into a McDonald’s in New York City with a knife in his back. Doctors said the man’s heart wasn’t in danger until he ordered the food.
Late Night with Seth Meyers
Lay’s announced that cappuccino is one of the finalists for their new chip flavor contest. And if you think that sounds bad, what until you try Starbucks’ sour cream and onion latte.
Conan
In California a man used a fake gun to rob a real gun store. Nobody was hurt but everybody was embarrassed.
Starbucks recently introduced their new decaf soda called Fizzio. It’s an Italian word meaning tastes ok, costs too much.
Jimmy Kimmel Live
Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos unveiled the company’s first ever smartphone, called the Fire Phone. The way it works is there are four infrared cameras on the front of the phone that track your head movements and the phone adjusts to make it appear as if the images are three dimensional. It’s funny: If the government announced it was going to equip us with a device that monitors our location and tracks our eye movement we’d be furious, but when a website does it we ask, “Can I get it in gold?”
Late Night with Seth Meyers
Starbucks announced a new program that will pay employees to take online classes at Arizona State. Said Starbucks employees, “We already went there, that’s why we work at Starbucks.”
Conan
Starbucks announced it’s going to make it possible for thousands of its employees to go to college. The CEO said there’s nothing like a four-year liberal arts degree to ensure they’re end up back here working at Starbucks.
Conan
A cop in New Jersey has been removed from duty after he was caught masturbating in a Starbucks. He’s also been banned from Starbucks for making his own froth.
A man in Houston is attempting to visit all the Starbucks locations in the world. It’s been four years since he started, he still hasn’t left Houston.