Day 102: Food and Sex Jokes

Conan
In Delaware, a couple was arrested for having sex on the roof of a Chipotle. A spokesman for Chipotle said that’s not what they meant by choose your own filling.

Late Night with Seth Meyers
An Austrian woman was charged with public indecency after she was caught riding a bicycle wearing nothing but sneakers. And the bike seat was charged with breaking and entering.

 

Day 99: Jerry Jones, Kevin Love, and MMA Jokes

Conan
Photos were leaked of the Dallas Cowboys owner 71 year-old Jerry Jones with two much younger women. The photos were leaked by Jerry Jones.

Late Night with Seth Meyers
The Minnesota Timberwolves agreed to a deal to trade All-Star Kevin Love to Cleveland. So it’s true: you can find Love in a hopeless place.

A robber at a gas station in Houston was stopped when the clerk on duty happened to be a champion MMA fighter. So crime doesn’t pay and apparently neither does being an MMA champion.

 

Day 89: National Orgasm Day

Late Night with Seth Meyers
July 31st was National Orgasm Day

…And it’s a real holiday. I’m pretty sure I could tell if it was fake.

…Or as it’s called in my bedroom, July 31.

…It’s expected that most people will celebrate by themselves.

…I’m actually having a party to celebrate but I’m not sure if anyone’s going to come.

 

Day 88: New York, New York

Conan
In New York, a boat crashed because its captain was busy having a threesome. The boat’s name: the SS Totally Worth It.

Late Night with Seth Meyers
A restaurant in New York has created the rice burger, which replaces normal burger buns with rice patties. The restaurant also replaces customers with empty chairs.

Day 26: 2-Minute Sex

Late Night with Seth Meyers
A new study by Loma Linda University in California, found laughter can help increase memory function, which explains why my ex-girlfriends say sex with me was such a memorable experience.

A survey by the New Republic shows that almost half of all men finish sex within 2 minutes. While almost half of all women finish sex by themselves.

Conan
A new study claims that during sex, 43% of men finish within two minutes. And one minute of that is apologizing.

 

Day 16: Featuring Seniors and Strippers

Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
A nursing home in Long Island is being sued for hiring male strippers to perform for the residents. The residents said that they knew whenever someone was going to make it rain because they could feel it in their joints.

That’s right, a nursing home filled with strippers, or as it’s also known, the Playboy Mansion.

Conan
In Georgia, a female high school teacher is accused of having a threesome with two male students. She’s going to spend time in jail, but those boys will never forget how to draw an isosceles triangle.

Some experts claim that watching porn is bad for your sex life. Those experts are called wives.

Day 11: Obamacare, Clintons, and Insomnia

Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
After handling the bumpy rollout of the Obamacare website, Kathleen Sebelius announced her resignation. Which explains why being thrown under the bus is now covered under Obamacare.

Conan
In a new interview that just came out, Hillary Clinton said the first time Bill Clinton proposed, she said no. Hillary said the reason is, he didn’t propose marriage, he proposed a threesome.

Late Night with Seth Meyers
A new study shows that young adults suffering from insomnia are at higher risk of a stroke. So that information should finally help you get some sleep.

Day 10: Tech and Sex Jokes

Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
This week Google will give the public a chance to buy its $1,500 Google Glass, finally ending the stereotype that people who wear glasses are smart.

Late Night with Seth Meyers
This week a game console modification company debuted its handheld version of the Nintendo 64. And if you already knew that I’m guessing that’s not the only thing in your life that’s handheld.

Conan
A recent study has revealed that left-handed people have better sex. I don’t know. I’ve tried it with my left hand and it was terrible.

 

Day 6: Putin and Texas Jokes

Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
Putin pick-up lines:
Do your legs hurt? Because you’ve been running from my military all night.
Is your father a baker? Because I would wait in breadline for three days for you.
Are you an angel? Because I thought I had killed you months ago.

Late Night with Seth Meyers
The Kremlin announced that Vladimir Putin and his wife have officially divorced. Over their 30 year marriage, the couple shared two daughters, several homes, and one laugh.

A global sex survey found that 86% of left-handed people reported that they were extremely satisfied with their sex lives, as opposed to 15% of right-handed people. I guess because it feels like somebody else is doing it.

Conan
One of my favorite Texas sayings is “All Hat No Cattle.” Which is awkward because that’s also my porn name.

Dallas is known for its strip clubs so last night I visited one. It was great. I got to meet all the Dallas Cowboys in person.

Day 3: Variety Pack of Jokes

Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
[March 31] was the big deadline for Obamacare. If you still haven’t enrolled you might have to pay a penalty called the Individual Shared Responsibility Payment, which is 1% of your salary. Then Americans said, “Man, good thing I don’t have a job.”

Late Show with David Letterman
Anyone seen Noah? It’s a blockbuster. A lot of people say it’s not accurate, especially the part where the ark hits the iceberg.

Late Night with Seth Meyers
Tiger Woods announced he won’t play in the Masters because he is recovering from back surgery. His doctors have told him to avoid swinging, and also golf.