Day 9: Ukraine, China, and Korea

In a recent survey, 84% of Americans were unable to locate Ukraine on a map. When he heard this, Vladimir Putin said, “That’s easy, it’s in Russia now.”

According to a new report, China now watches more porn than the U.S. Finally, China is consuming something that is made in our country.

Late Night with Seth Meyers
North Korea introduced its first state-funded smartphone known as the Pyongyang Touch; which I believe is also something you can order at a massage parlor in Brooklyn.

Day 6: Putin and Texas Jokes

Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
Putin pick-up lines:
Do your legs hurt? Because you’ve been running from my military all night.
Is your father a baker? Because I would wait in breadline for three days for you.
Are you an angel? Because I thought I had killed you months ago.

Late Night with Seth Meyers
The Kremlin announced that Vladimir Putin and his wife have officially divorced. Over their 30 year marriage, the couple shared two daughters, several homes, and one laugh.

A global sex survey found that 86% of left-handed people reported that they were extremely satisfied with their sex lives, as opposed to 15% of right-handed people. I guess because it feels like somebody else is doing it.

One of my favorite Texas sayings is “All Hat No Cattle.” Which is awkward because that’s also my porn name.

Dallas is known for its strip clubs so last night I visited one. It was great. I got to meet all the Dallas Cowboys in person.

Day 4: Potpourri

Late Show with David Letterman
The population of New York City has grown by a quarter of a million people. And, most of those people: talk show hosts.

Late Night with Seth Meyers
The official presidential candidate for the Ukrainian Internet Party is a man dressed in a Darth Vader costume. Not to be confused with the president of Russia who is Darth Vader in a man costume.

The Department of Agriculture is encouraging grandparents to read their grandchildren bedtime stories about nutrition. Stories like, “Goodnight Kale,” “James and the Giant Organic Peach,” and “The Little Engine that Could Thanks to His High Fiber Diet.”