The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
According to a new study, the faster a spider moves the less coordinated it becomes. While I found that the faster a spider moves, the less manly I become.
Late Night with Seth Meyers
A city employee in Maryland has been fired after he watched 39 hours of porn at work in two weeks. He’s suing the company for jerk man’s comp.
Conan
The first porn movie filmed by a drone has been released. The film is expected to be a big surprise to the people who star in it.
Late Night with Seth Meyers
Disney announced the next Star Wars movie will be called, Star Wars: The Force Awakens, which sounds like what a Star Wars fan says when he gets a boner.
Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
In a new interview, Hillary Clinton said she wants to travel and won’t make any announcements about her plans to run for president until 2015. When asked where she’ll travel, she said New Hampshire, Iowa, maybe spend a few months in Florida….
Conan
In a new interview, Hillary Clinton said she and her husband were dead broke when they left the White House. Hillary said things were so bad the two of them had to share a bedroom.
A new study found that people who watch a lot of porn have smaller brains. So now we know why the plots are always so simple.
Scientists found a 16-foot shark they call the Colossal Great White. By the way, Colossal Great White used to be my porn name.
Conan
Vladimir Putin has signed a new law banning the f-word from movies. So now the Russian version of Wolf of Wall Street is 8 seconds long.
This weekend Spider-Man 2 earned $92 million at the box office. That makes it the fourth most successful Spider-Man 2.
A porn website recently said it would plant a tree for every 100 videos watched. A spokesperson for the website said, “The more wood, the better.”
According to a report, Chase Bank is shutting down hundreds of bank accounts belonging to porn stars. The CEO of Chase Bank said they’d rather not handle their deposits.
Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
A nursing home in Long Island is being sued for hiring male strippers to perform for the residents. The residents said that they knew whenever someone was going to make it rain because they could feel it in their joints.
That’s right, a nursing home filled with strippers, or as it’s also known, the Playboy Mansion.
Conan
In Georgia, a female high school teacher is accused of having a threesome with two male students. She’s going to spend time in jail, but those boys will never forget how to draw an isosceles triangle.
Some experts claim that watching porn is bad for your sex life. Those experts are called wives.
Conan
In a recent survey, 84% of Americans were unable to locate Ukraine on a map. When he heard this, Vladimir Putin said, “That’s easy, it’s in Russia now.”
According to a new report, China now watches more porn than the U.S. Finally, China is consuming something that is made in our country.
Late Night with Seth Meyers
North Korea introduced its first state-funded smartphone known as the Pyongyang Touch; which I believe is also something you can order at a massage parlor in Brooklyn.
Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
Putin pick-up lines:
Do your legs hurt? Because you’ve been running from my military all night.
Is your father a baker? Because I would wait in breadline for three days for you.
Are you an angel? Because I thought I had killed you months ago.
Late Night with Seth Meyers
The Kremlin announced that Vladimir Putin and his wife have officially divorced. Over their 30 year marriage, the couple shared two daughters, several homes, and one laugh.
A global sex survey found that 86% of left-handed people reported that they were extremely satisfied with their sex lives, as opposed to 15% of right-handed people. I guess because it feels like somebody else is doing it.
Conan
One of my favorite Texas sayings is “All Hat No Cattle.” Which is awkward because that’s also my porn name.
Dallas is known for its strip clubs so last night I visited one. It was great. I got to meet all the Dallas Cowboys in person.