Day 15: Chris Christie and Kim Jong-un

Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
During a townhall meeting, Chris Christie said he vetoed a higher minimum wage in New Jersey because it was “Too much, too soon.” Incidentally, “Too much, too soon” was also the weight listed on Christie’s birth certificate.

Conan
North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un has been reelected with 100% of the votes. He said he hasn’t been this happy since he scored 700,000 on the SATs.

Last week North Korea held its annual marathon. So congratulations to first, second, and third place winner Kim Jong-un.

Day 7: Celebrities and Rob Ford

Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
Rob Ford was the only member of Toronto’s City Council to vote no on a measure to congratulate Canada’s winter Olympians. He said if someone should be rewarded for not falling on his face, it should be him.

Ford also voted against naming a street after Nelson Mandela, but he claims he simply hit the wrong button. The people who voted for Rob Ford said, “Been there.”

Late Night with Seth Meyers
Former president George W. Bush unveiled 24 portraits he’s painted of world leaders. And if the Today Show likes them, they’ll put it up on their refrigerator.

Kathie Lee Gifford has been asked to stop advertising her new wine on the Today Show. Though I think Kathie Lee is less of an advertisement for wine and more of a PSA.

The Spice Girls are considering touring without Victoria Beckham, who earlier this year said she no longer wanted to perform with the group. I wish she would just tell us what she wants. What she really, really wants.

Day 6: Putin and Texas Jokes

Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
Putin pick-up lines:
Do your legs hurt? Because you’ve been running from my military all night.
Is your father a baker? Because I would wait in breadline for three days for you.
Are you an angel? Because I thought I had killed you months ago.

Late Night with Seth Meyers
The Kremlin announced that Vladimir Putin and his wife have officially divorced. Over their 30 year marriage, the couple shared two daughters, several homes, and one laugh.

A global sex survey found that 86% of left-handed people reported that they were extremely satisfied with their sex lives, as opposed to 15% of right-handed people. I guess because it feels like somebody else is doing it.

Conan
One of my favorite Texas sayings is “All Hat No Cattle.” Which is awkward because that’s also my porn name.

Dallas is known for its strip clubs so last night I visited one. It was great. I got to meet all the Dallas Cowboys in person.

Day 5: Texas Blackberrys

Late Night with Seth Meyers
T-Mobile announced that it will no longer sell BlackBerry phones after April 25, 2014. The announcement came as a shock to BlackBerry owners who said, “It’s 2014?”

Firefighters in the UK rescued a 16 year-old girl after she got stuck in a storm drain while trying to retrieve her BlackBerry. Isn’t that crazy? A teenager with a BlackBerry.

Conan
I like how Texans abbreviate things. “How do you do” became “Howdy,” “You all” became “Y’all,” and hell on Earth became El Paso.

I learned that your governor, Rick Perry, got his degree in animal husbandry, had has own father-in-law perform his own vasectomy, and in the 80s his nickname was “Crotch.” As a late night comedian, Texas, I’m begging you, please make this guy run for President.

Southwest is headquartered in Dallas. In honor of this being the headquarters of Southwest Airlines, the show will be delayed for 2 hours.

Day 4: Potpourri

Late Show with David Letterman
The population of New York City has grown by a quarter of a million people. And, most of those people: talk show hosts.

Late Night with Seth Meyers
The official presidential candidate for the Ukrainian Internet Party is a man dressed in a Darth Vader costume. Not to be confused with the president of Russia who is Darth Vader in a man costume.

The Department of Agriculture is encouraging grandparents to read their grandchildren bedtime stories about nutrition. Stories like, “Goodnight Kale,” “James and the Giant Organic Peach,” and “The Little Engine that Could Thanks to His High Fiber Diet.”