Conan
Mexico is offering a $3.8 million reward for information leading to the capture of the escaped billionaire drug lord El Chapo. Mexico said they’ll get the money by borrowing it from El Chapo.
Late Night with Seth Meyers
A new survey shows 30% of Americans believe legalizing marijuana will make driving less safe. Though marijuana users believe legalization will make driving less likely.
Conan
The NFL announced the possible sites for next year’s draft has been narrowed down to two locations. It’s down to either Riker’s Island or San Quentin.
A new report claims that by the year 2020, the marijuana industry could be bigger than the NFL. Either way, it’s a good time to be in the couch business.
Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
A new study found that having a big wedding boasts your chance of having a good marriage. While having a destination wedding boasts your chance of friends hating you.
Conan
One of the latest trends in Colorado is marijuana-themed weddings…
…it’s the only kind of wedding where the usher asks if you’re with the bride or the dude.
…at a pot-themed wedding, the couple is asked if they promise to love, honor, and whatevs.
…you know you’re at a pot-themed wedding when the guests start eating the rice.
…the couple is registered at Bed, Bath, and Bong.
Conan
Mitt Romney recently said that Hillary Clinton is clueless. When he heard this, Bill Clinton said, “I wish.”
Late Night with Seth Meyers
During her book tour, Hillary Clinton was asked if she would try marijuana if it were legal and answered, “I didn’t do it when I was young, I’m not going to start now.” Then Bill Clinton said, “I wish I had a nickel every time I heard that.”
Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
A new study found that procrastinating can be passed down generation to generation. I asked my dad about it and he said he meant to tell me 10 years ago.
A math blogger says he’s figured out the world’s most popular number; 7 is correct. The least popular number? The fake phone number you get when you tell a girl you’re a math blogger.
Late Night with Seth Meyers
Police in Albania say they have seized over 4,800 pounds of marijuana in sofas bound for Italy. Which is ironic because marijuana is usually found on people bound to sofas.
Conan
Jillian Michaels reportedly wants to leave the Biggest Loser because she’s saying it’s gotten too mean. In response, producers said this is a completely unfair and baseless accusation from a lying bitch.
Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
Congrats to the UConn Huskies on beating Kentucky to win the NCAA championship. Dozens of UConn students were arrested after they smashed windows and broke street lights while celebrating their team’s win. People in Connecticut haven’t gotten that rowdy since J. Crew had a sale on pocket squares.
Late Night with Seth Meyers
Today more than 100 advocates came to Washington to lobby for the legalization of marijuana for medicinal purposes. While another 10,000 marijuana advocates thought it was next Tuesday.
Conan
The Obama White House may soon ban the taking of selfies with the president. When he heard this, Bill Clinton said he remembered when selfies with the president had a whole different meaning.
It’s true, the White House may ban people from taking selfies with the president. Not only that, the White House now has photobomb-sniffing dogs.
Late Night with Seth Meyers
The Tampa Bay Rays have introduced a new concession called the “Fan vs Food Burger,” which is a four-pound burger served with a pound of french fries, and two tickets to a future game if you finish the whole thing. Though, if you finish the whole thing, you’re probably not a guy who thinks too much about the future.
A woman in London has started organizing orgies for people in their 60s. Apparently, the way it works is, you read your book in bed next to several different partners.
There’s a new study that suggests that legalizing marijuana does not cause a rise in crime. Because, of course, crime takes effort.
A new study on unemployment shows it is now harder to get a job at Walmart than to get accepted at Harvard. Of course, it’s a lot easier if your dad went to Walmart.
The entertainment site Indiewire is claiming that the film Magic Mike, will get a sequel called Magic Mike XXL, unless it’s really cold in the theater.