Tag: Late Show with David Letterman

Day 90: Jokes Around the Country

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Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
The New York Times said the government should legalize marijuana because the current laws against weed are useless and outdated. Then they said, you know, like a newspaper.

Late Show with David Letterman
In the United States of America, you can buy bottled water that is flavored like chocolate chip cookies. Now, New York City tap water looks like it has chocolate chips in it.

Late Night with Seth Meyers
A Tennessee woman was denied her vanity license plate request after DMV officials interpreted “I LOVE TOFU” as “I LOVE TO F-U.” Once she explained to them it’s “I LOVE TOFU,” they said it was even more disgusting.

 

Day 63: Kardashian Jokes

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Late Night with Seth Meyers
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West turned down $11 million for the rights to publish their wedding pictures. Which means one thing: someone offered them $12 million.

Late Show with David Letterman
President Obama is sending troops back to Iraq. He said not to worry, we shouldn’t be there longer than a Kardashian marriage.

Day 57: Jokes Around Our Country

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Late Show with David Letterman
Welcome to New York. The weather today: 81 and cloudy, like Donald Sterling.

Conan
In Texas, a family was attacked by a swarm of bees in a town called Beeville. The family said they’re fed up with Beeville; they’re moving to Wolftown.

Late Night with Seth Meyers
This week 35,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses are meeting at New Orleans in the Superdome. So if you live in the Superdome, do not answer your door this week.

 

Day 51: Celebrity Jokes

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Late Show with David Letterman
You all excited about the new Tom Cruise movie, Edge of Tomorrow? There are 3 elements you’ll always see in a Tom Cruise movie: explosions, aliens, and a leading lady in flats.

Conan
In a new interview, Angelina Jolie said that she would not rule out running for office some day. She said she would wait until her children are grown and make up 51% of the voting population.

 

Day 40: More Donald Sterling

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Late Show with David Letterman
A guy in Tennessee was arrested with having sex with an ATM machine. Having sex with a cash machine…hasn’t that been what Donald Sterling’s girlfriend’s been doing?

Conan
In a new interview about the Donald Sterling scandal, Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban said he knows he’s prejudiced, too. In fact, Cuban admits he’s so racist he’s trying to get his last name deported.

In a new biography, Michael Jordan said as a kid he saw so much racism that he began to hate all white people. Jordan said he only started to feel compassion for white people after watching them play basketball.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
The curious case of LA Clippers owner Donald Sterling and his female companion V. Stiviano deepens. She’s now reportedly being investigated on extortion charges for allegedly asking Sterling for payment in exchange for not releasing more damaging audio recordings. That is a no-no, especially in this case. You know, blackmail is Donald Sterling’s least favorite kind of mail.

Day 32: More Donald Sterling Jokes

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Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
In an interview with Anderson Cooper, Sterling apologized for the racist remarks and said his girlfriend V. Stiviano baited him into saying those things. When asked him how she baited him he said, “By asking what I think about black people.”

Late Show with David Letterman
How about this weather? 81 and cloudy…like Donald Sterling.

Day 29: Clooney, DiCaprio, Alba, & Stiviano Jokes

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Conan
FHM has come out with its annual list of the 100 hottest women. Or as Leonardo DiCaprio calls it, his “To Do” list.

In a recent interview Jessica Alba said she doesn’t do nude scenes because she doesn’t want her grandparents to see her boobs. Now Jessica Alba’s grandparents are receiving death threats.

Late Show with David Letterman
George Clooney is getting married and when you’re as big of a star as George Clooney, you can’t keep anything secret. You know how they found out that he’s getting engaged? Somebody spotted him in Kay’s Jewelers.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
V. Stiviano claims there’s no sexual relationship [with Donald Sterling]. She says she’s a silly rabbit, but she doesn’t do tricks, I guess.

Day 25: The Beat on Donald Sterling Continues

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Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
This was a very big weekend for basketball fans. For the first time in NBA playoff history there were three game 7’s on the same day. Even better news: Donald Sterling can’t go to any of them.

Late Show with David Letterman
Here’s something interesting about Donald Sterling: he’s mixed heritage. He’s half jack, half ass.

Last weekend was the Kentucky Derby. But you know, if I wanted to see a horse’s ass, I’ll swing by Donald Sterling’s place.

 

Day 22: Donald Sterling Jokes

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Conan
The LA Clippers staged a protest of their owner’s racist remarks by wearing their uniforms inside-out. Meanwhile, the LA Lakers have been wearing their uniforms inside-out so no one would know they play for the Lakers.

Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
Donald Sterling was actually scheduled to receive a Lifetime Achievement Award from the NAACP, but the organization has now called off that ceremony. Turns out black people don’t want to be photographed with him either.

Late Show with David Letterman
George Clooney is engaged to be married. Another success story for eHarmony.com.

 

Day 21: Botox, Craigslist, and Titanic

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Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
A pharmaceutical company in Canada is offering $47 billion to buy the company that makes Botox. People at Botox were very excited — you should’ve seen the look that wasn’t on their face.

Late Night with Seth Meyers
Germany has a new app called “Pepper” that shows clients where to find prostitutes in their area. All you do is tap the app and it takes you to Craigslist.

Late Show with David Letterman
They’re auctioning stuff off from the Titanic; there’s a menu of what was being served in the dining room the night the Titanic sank. And listen to this, the salad they were featuring that night: iceberg lettuce.