Day 29: Clooney, DiCaprio, Alba, & Stiviano Jokes

Conan
FHM has come out with its annual list of the 100 hottest women. Or as Leonardo DiCaprio calls it, his “To Do” list.

In a recent interview Jessica Alba said she doesn’t do nude scenes because she doesn’t want her grandparents to see her boobs. Now Jessica Alba’s grandparents are receiving death threats.

Late Show with David Letterman
George Clooney is getting married and when you’re as big of a star as George Clooney, you can’t keep anything secret. You know how they found out that he’s getting engaged? Somebody spotted him in Kay’s Jewelers.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
V. Stiviano claims there’s no sexual relationship [with Donald Sterling]. She says she’s a silly rabbit, but she doesn’t do tricks, I guess.

Day 18: Easter and Apple Jokes

Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
A new survey found that 81% of parents admit to stealing Easter candy from their children. While the other 19% of parents don’t think it’s stealing if you bought it in the first place.

Conan
Scientists now believe that Jesus Christ had a wife. They also believe that Jesus’ nephew called Jesus’ wife the Auntie Christ.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Apple Computers made a big announcement. Apple is promising to power all their storage offices and data centers with renewable forms of energy and they will be recycling iPhones, iPads, and Macs for free. I guess the idea is to reduce the amount of electronic junk in landfills. I have a way they can reduce the amount of electronic junk in landfills: stop coming out with slightly newer versions of the same products every four months.

Day 1: Ikea and CEO Jokes

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
On Friday night a 5.1 magnitude earthquake and a bunch of its friends hit La Habra, which is about 25 miles south of us here in Hollywood. Earthquakes are God’s reminder that you shouldn’t be sleeping in a bed from Ikea.

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
Time Warner announced that their CEO will resign at the end of the year. They say they would have done it sooner, but that was the earliest they could get a technician to come out and install a replacement.

Jeff Bezos, the CEO of Amazon.com, bought the Washington Post for $250 million. Yeah, it was weird — he just walked into the Post’s headquarters and said, “Add to cart.”