Tag: Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Day 241: Tax Time Jokes

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Conan
Fun fact: as of this year the federal tax code is over 74,000 pages long. But stick with it because after page 72,000 it gets really good.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The IRS warned there could be long delays getting your tax refund this year. Because of budget cuts they had to cut staff, because they cut staff they said half of the people who call the IRS this year will not get an agent on the phone and will not get a call back. They’re expecting so many delays this year they’re renaming themselves the DMV.

Day 189: Oscars Jokes

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The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
The nominees for the 87th Academy Awards were announced and there’s a little controversy over the fact that the acting nominations are made up entirely of white actors and actresses. Even people in the J. Crew catalog were like, “Yikes.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
They say this is the whitest Oscars since 1998 which explains why the ceremony this year will be broadcast inside an Abercrombie & Fitch store.

Some people are complaining about a lack of diversity in this year’s nominations. But I think that a nominee is like a snowflake…each one is very different and they’re all white.

Day 167: Thanksgiving Jokes

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Late Night with Seth Meyers
This year marks the 20th anniversary of the release of the Tofurky. If you don’t know what a Tofurky is, it’s tofu molded into the shape of a turkey then thrown into the garbage.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Thanksgiving is one of the biggest workout days of the year. More races, marathons, and 5Ks are held on Thanksgiving than any other day of the year. Most gyms stay open for at least part of the day. And according to a new study, 93% of people who exercise on Thanksgiving are the most annoying people at the dinner table.

Day 71: Fourth of July Jokes

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Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
Congratulations to Joey Chestnut. On Friday he won the big Fourth of July Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest. [But] before the Hot Dog Eating Contest, Joey Chestnut proposed to his girlfriend. Which is a little bittersweet for her since now she only gets one hot dog for the rest of her life.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
I love the Fourth of July; it’s my favorite holiday. The Fourth of July is the one day of the year where it’s okay to get drunk and sit on the roof.

 

Jimmy Kimmel’s Lie Witness News: World Cup

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Americans are all about soccer. Truthfully. Really. Don’t believe me? Check out Jimmy Kimmel’s Lie Witness News: World Cup Edition, to see what people really know about soccer’s World Cup.

Day 65: Match.com Jokes

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Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
The dating site Match.com has a new feature they say will find the perfect match for you based on pictures of your ex. Which explains why every women on Match.com is now claiming they dated George Clooney.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Match.com is teaming up with Mensa to create a dating site called MensaMatch. It’s exclusively for people with genius-level IQ scores. They say it’ll be the ideal place for socially awkward singles to meet up and weirdly make-out with each other.

 

Day 59: Amazon Fire and Starbucks Jokes

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Jimmy Kimmel Live
Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos unveiled the company’s first ever smartphone, called the Fire Phone. The way it works is there are four infrared cameras on the front of the phone that track your head movements and the phone adjusts to make it appear as if the images are three dimensional. It’s funny: If the government announced it was going to equip us with a device that monitors our location and tracks our eye movement we’d be furious, but when a website does it we ask, “Can I get it in gold?”

Late Night with Seth Meyers
Starbucks announced a new program that will pay employees to take online classes at Arizona State. Said Starbucks employees, “We already went there, that’s why we work at Starbucks.”

Conan
Starbucks announced it’s going to make it possible for thousands of its employees to go to college. The CEO said there’s nothing like a four-year liberal arts degree to ensure they’re end up back here working at Starbucks.

 

Day 48: Tech Jokes

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Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
Facebook is working on a new option that will allow kids under the age of 13 to use the site. While kids under the age of 13 are currently using the old option that lets you lie.

Conan
Apple announced a new feature that will let your iPhone monitor your diet and track your calorie intake. Or you can pay extra for an iPhone to mind its own business.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Apple unveiled two new operating systems, one for the iPhone and one for the Mac called Yosemite. iOS 8 has a built-in app called HealthKit that monitors your heart rate, your weight, your sleep, and if you sit on it, it’ll even give you a colonoscopy.

Day 40: More Donald Sterling

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Late Show with David Letterman
A guy in Tennessee was arrested with having sex with an ATM machine. Having sex with a cash machine…hasn’t that been what Donald Sterling’s girlfriend’s been doing?

Conan
In a new interview about the Donald Sterling scandal, Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban said he knows he’s prejudiced, too. In fact, Cuban admits he’s so racist he’s trying to get his last name deported.

In a new biography, Michael Jordan said as a kid he saw so much racism that he began to hate all white people. Jordan said he only started to feel compassion for white people after watching them play basketball.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
The curious case of LA Clippers owner Donald Sterling and his female companion V. Stiviano deepens. She’s now reportedly being investigated on extortion charges for allegedly asking Sterling for payment in exchange for not releasing more damaging audio recordings. That is a no-no, especially in this case. You know, blackmail is Donald Sterling’s least favorite kind of mail.

Day 35: Sterling and the Clippers

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Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
Donald Sterling is now planning to sue the NBA for banning him from the league; which is good because it’s the only way he’s going to see a court again.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
The Clippers got knocked out of the playoffs. Who could’ve ever guessed the Clippers would lose.