Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
The Miami Heat’s owner, Micky Arison — he also owns Carnival Cruises — said he was shocked and disappointed by LeBron’s decision. I think he’s going to be okay: if there’s anybody who’s used to dealing with a sinking ship….
Late Night with Seth Meyers
Donald Sterling told a judge that to keep control of the Clippers he will sue the NBA until the day he dies. And by the looks of him, that day was four years ago.
Late Show with David Letterman
Welcome to New York. The weather today: 81 and cloudy, like Donald Sterling.
Conan
In Texas, a family was attacked by a swarm of bees in a town called Beeville. The family said they’re fed up with Beeville; they’re moving to Wolftown.
Late Night with Seth Meyers
This week 35,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses are meeting at New Orleans in the Superdome. So if you live in the Superdome, do not answer your door this week.
Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
Tim Tebow said that he’s staying in shape in case he gets another opportunity to play for the NFL. Then his boss said, “That’s great, but these Waffle Tacos ain’t going to make themselves.”
Conan
According to a new poll, Donald Sterling has just passed Justin Bieber as the most hated man in America. When he heard this, Justin Bieber was thrilled because he’s finally being considered a man.
Using advanced facial recognition software, the NSA is collecting millions of images of people’s faces a day. And that’s just to keep up with Bruce Jenner.
Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
Donald Sterling sold the Clippers for $2 billion after he originally paid $12.5 million. That’s good news for the NBA and great news if you’re a racist.
Conan
Over the weekend, Donald Sterling visited an African-American church. In a related story, Donald Sterling is missing.
Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
Donald Sterling is now planning to sue the NBA for banning him from the league; which is good because it’s the only way he’s going to see a court again.
Jimmy Kimmel Live
The Clippers got knocked out of the playoffs. Who could’ve ever guessed the Clippers would lose.
Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
Heisman Trophy winner Jameis Winston shoplifted $32 worth of crab legs from a Florida grocery store. That’s not such a big deal — I just read a study that says most college kids get crabs when they’re in Florida.
Just one day after Donald Sterling’s explosive interview with CNN, Anderson Cooper sat down with Magic Johnson for a follow up interview. Magic said he’s actually praying for Sterling…praying for him to get stuck in an elevator with Beyonce’s sister.
Late Night with Seth Meyers
Magic Johnson told Anderson Cooper that he’s still waiting for an apology from Clippers owner Donald Sterling. Sterling responded saying, “I’m very sorry you’re black.”
Conan
The first openly gay player has been drafted by the NFL. After being drafted by the St. Louis Rams, Michael Sam celebrated by kissing his boyfriend. This is historic: it’s the first time anyone has celebrated being drafted by the St. Louis Rams.
Some NFL players actually criticized Michael Sam for kissing his boyfriend after getting drafted. Apparently, NFL players aren’t supposed to be in a gay relationship until they’re sent to prison.
Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
In an interview with Anderson Cooper, Sterling apologized for the racist remarks and said his girlfriend V. Stiviano baited him into saying those things. When asked him how she baited him he said, “By asking what I think about black people.”
Late Show with David Letterman
How about this weather? 81 and cloudy…like Donald Sterling.
Conan
FHM has come out with its annual list of the 100 hottest women. Or as Leonardo DiCaprio calls it, his “To Do” list.
In a recent interview Jessica Alba said she doesn’t do nude scenes because she doesn’t want her grandparents to see her boobs. Now Jessica Alba’s grandparents are receiving death threats.
Late Show with David Letterman
George Clooney is getting married and when you’re as big of a star as George Clooney, you can’t keep anything secret. You know how they found out that he’s getting engaged? Somebody spotted him in Kay’s Jewelers.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
V. Stiviano claims there’s no sexual relationship [with Donald Sterling]. She says she’s a silly rabbit, but she doesn’t do tricks, I guess.
Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
This was a very big weekend for basketball fans. For the first time in NBA playoff history there were three game 7’s on the same day. Even better news: Donald Sterling can’t go to any of them.
Late Show with David Letterman
Here’s something interesting about Donald Sterling: he’s mixed heritage. He’s half jack, half ass.
Last weekend was the Kentucky Derby. But you know, if I wanted to see a horse’s ass, I’ll swing by Donald Sterling’s place.
Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
Clippers owner Donald Sterling, after he was recorded on tape making racist comments, Donald Sterling has been banned from the league for life. Great, just where Sterling didn’t want to end up: the blacklist.
Paula Deen is continuing her comeback by launching a 20-city cooking tour. Her first gig? Catering Donald Sterling’s farewell party.
Late Night with Seth Meyers
The NBA announced that Clippers owner Donald Sterling has been banned for life from any NBA event. And you can probably guess who he’s blaming.