Day 6: Putin and Texas Jokes

Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
Putin pick-up lines:
Do your legs hurt? Because you’ve been running from my military all night.
Is your father a baker? Because I would wait in breadline for three days for you.
Are you an angel? Because I thought I had killed you months ago.

Late Night with Seth Meyers
The Kremlin announced that Vladimir Putin and his wife have officially divorced. Over their 30 year marriage, the couple shared two daughters, several homes, and one laugh.

A global sex survey found that 86% of left-handed people reported that they were extremely satisfied with their sex lives, as opposed to 15% of right-handed people. I guess because it feels like somebody else is doing it.

One of my favorite Texas sayings is “All Hat No Cattle.” Which is awkward because that’s also my porn name.

Dallas is known for its strip clubs so last night I visited one. It was great. I got to meet all the Dallas Cowboys in person.

Day 5: Texas Blackberrys

Late Night with Seth Meyers
T-Mobile announced that it will no longer sell BlackBerry phones after April 25, 2014. The announcement came as a shock to BlackBerry owners who said, “It’s 2014?”

Firefighters in the UK rescued a 16 year-old girl after she got stuck in a storm drain while trying to retrieve her BlackBerry. Isn’t that crazy? A teenager with a BlackBerry.

I like how Texans abbreviate things. “How do you do” became “Howdy,” “You all” became “Y’all,” and hell on Earth became El Paso.

I learned that your governor, Rick Perry, got his degree in animal husbandry, had has own father-in-law perform his own vasectomy, and in the 80s his nickname was “Crotch.” As a late night comedian, Texas, I’m begging you, please make this guy run for President.

Southwest is headquartered in Dallas. In honor of this being the headquarters of Southwest Airlines, the show will be delayed for 2 hours.